The Tiki

I don’t know about you but I rarely ever pick up somebody else’s trash and take it home. Better yet, I don’t know you at all. But at least I don’t need more stuff in my garage. I’ve actually seen some good stuff on the side of the road but I just can’t seem to make myself actually go over and pick it up. Cars driving by watching you pick up trash.” For Pete’s sake, for five bucks you could get one of whatever it is at any super store. Cut us a break, here”.

The best thing I ever saw was a rotating fan in seemingly pristine condition which I needed for my new work table in my shop. Couldn’t do it.

OK, I confess that from time to time I have been known to frequent a garage sale and once or twice maybe even an estate sale. I have bought some junk. It’s true, I’m not denying it but I thought the stuff was unique. I have found in my later years that this stuff works well in a White Elephant gift exchange. Now this is a great concept. You take something you just don’t want on your property and trade it for something somebody else cannot stand to have around. There can be no overall good to this. The best you can possibly do is a sum total of useless, obnoxious stuff. But, then that’s the beauty of it. At least you get new bad stuff to give away next year and you can keep you own stuff that otherwise you wife would throw away. “But, wait, we can use that as a White Elephant gift. Right?” Saved many a good useless item from hitting the trash to go live with the other useless items that got away. Kind of useless item, heaven.

I only wish I had continued that tradition the day I saw the tiki man. That beautiful, engraved, sculptured tiki man that had a place sitting and waiting for it in my garden. When I tell you this you are going to say it was just a coincidence and maybe you’re right but it still was an unexplained juxtaposition of events that interrelated in a very peculiar way. Or is that just the definition of coincidence. Whatever. I’m saying it was ironic and let it go at that.

It was innocent. I had no clue. I was just out walking trying to work off a few calories which I will tend to inhale from time to time. Now you probably don’t have that problem. You’re from that generation of joggers who never look any different. What’s wrong with a little aging in an aging body? Save yourself. But, I get it, I need to get out there and do that exercise that the doctor always insists on. The doctor who works 23 hours a day and never gets a vacation. That doctor. Now you can’t say the same thing about a dentist. If you see a dentist with bad teeth, you probably will be pretty much of a stranger at that office. We probably agree on this one. But when you go to a weight challenged doctor, do you automatically find yourself looking for a slimmy doc. Hmmm. I don’t know. For me, I’m going with the smart one.

So there I was, just past the old Baptist church, in the yard next door, well, not in the yard but out next to the curb between the sidewalk and the bike lane. Actually, closer to the bike lane. I’m on the sidewalk. I’m surveying this situation because I see this piece lying there. First, I’m a sucker for tiki sculpture. Second, I had been making a place in my garden for a tiki statue. I had surrounded it with Red Sisters and Thai plants with blue plumbagos as a background. This was a nice spot and would be uber cool to have a tiki man there. I was planning on something a little heftier but this had all of the basics that I needed for the ambience of the plot. I couldn’t get a very good look from the sidewalk but from a distance it looked like a find. I decided to continue on with my walk and take a closer look on the way back. Besides, I could walk in the bike lane and be right next to the tiki man as I passed by. I had no idea why this was so intriguing to me but I continued to think about it and plan my return trip and to try to get up my courage to pick up this garbage.

I decided to cut my walk short by a couple of blocks so that I could get back there before anybody else could come along and take my piece of trash. I believe my pace even quickened. I was pretty much only thinking about retrieving this wonderfully inspirational piece of sculpture. I fought back the notion that it would be plastic and rip my heart out. It had to be wood and it had to be teak. Or something told me that it was teak. Somehow that was important to me.

I could see it from where I am right now. Just a speck in the distance. But even so it was sparkling in that was that wood does when it is slightly wet/ It gave me hope. Now really, plastic shines when damp as well. I know. But as I grew closer, it looked more and more like real wood. Closer. Still wood. Carved. Maybe hand carved. There’s no doubt at this point, I’m picking it up. I’m gonna do it. As I get closer, I looks nicer.

Finally. I get there, I bend over and pick it up with one last glance to take in the overall appeal. No time for specifics or details, as if I had even considered intricacy to be a criteria. It’s wood. It’s heavy. It’s teak. It’s a find. This is just perfect. Perfect for my garden but more importantly for me. We bonded immediately. We bonded permanently.

I hurried home and made record time. I took the tiki man into the kitchen to clean him up but decided to go out and fix my garden spot up for a smaller centerpiece. Just to be clear, I did get out some newspaper to put it on. I even wrapped it around the piece to soak out any residue water.

While I was out in the garden, I heard my wife drive up. After a minute or two with lots of doors opening and closing she pops her hear out the door and says, “Are you ready to get on the road for the party?” Whoops, the party. I had forgotten. I am in deep, really deep stuff. As she leaned farther out she could see me in my jogging outfit. She just waved and went back inside.

It was only a few minutes later that I heard the door close and her car drive away. Now, you probably think she was mad at me. I say you’re probably right. If you’re not worried then you haven’t been paying attention or you are a sociopath. You pick. I pick we agree and she is going to fry my butt when she gets home.

OK, if I’m too obsessed to save myself from having pins stuck in an effigy of my likeness then I’m obsessed enough to finish up my little project. I continue on with my arranging almost unconsciously. I was completely oblivious to any potential consequences certain though they were.

Soon, I was ready for the unveiling. The placing of the perfect piece in the perfect place. I went inside and turned toward the kitchen where I left my prize but to my amazement it wasn’t there. But instead there was a note written in large letters. That’s all I could tell from the door.

I moved cautiously toward the counter then quickly at the end to read the note.

“Sorry you’ll miss the party. I was so sweet of you to get me this White Elephant gift and wrap it up for the party. You are the best. See you later.”
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